Snappy Sayings

Back in February of last year I posted Catch-Phrases. It listed some of my favourite Villain Catch Phrases from NaNoWriMo. My list has since expanded (of course), but it also doesn’t just include Villain Catch Phrases anymore. Oh, no! I have discovered the joys of the side-kick, hero, and other characters for spouting off one-liners and other snappy lines!


As you can see, I’m compiling an epic list and it gets added to every NaNo (and Camp NaNo now that I’ve discovered the joys of those beauties). And once more, we find ourselves in the lead-up to NaNo. It’s time to start thinking about what story should be written and what characters will step forward from the murky depths of our imagination. And of course those characters need to have some witty repertoire.

So, without further ado… Here are some more Snappy Sayings 🙂

  • C1: Have you no conscience?!
    C2: Of course I do! It’s in a little silver box at the back of my closet screaming, “Let me out, let me out! You’re making bad choices!”
  • If those two ever meet, they’ll either learn a lot from each other, or kill each other. Want to try it? I’m taking bets.
  • I’m an apathetic sociopath; I’d kill you if I cared.
  • I would explain it to you, but I am fresh out of crayons.
  • I don’t particularly want to kill you. I just wouldn’t mind if you died.
  • Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
  • Good morning. I see the assassins have failed again.
  • I’d like to offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
  • If I had a dollar for every time you {insert action here}, I’d get change for those dollars, put the change in a sock, and beat you with it.
  • I’ve never seen someone hold their head so high, while talking out of their ass.
  • He was the only person I’ve ever known who could strut while sitting down.
  • If it wasn’t for physics and law enforcement I’d be unstoppable.
  • You, you, and you: Panic. The rest of you, come with me.
  • If the enemy is in range, so are you.
  • Yeah I hit like a girl, but so could you if you hit a bit harder.
  • Let’s be civil about this! In my defense, I fully expected the fire to kill you!
  • Damn it, Carl! How many times do I have to tell you? Pillage THEN burn!
  • C1: There are no words to describe how disgusting you are.
    C2: Yes there are. You just never learnt them.
  • Come right in! Thanks for ignoring the closed door and the do-not-disturb sign; I only did that out of boredom.
  • C1: Are you talking to yourself?
    C2: I was, until you interrupted.
  • You don’t make me laugh. You make me want to shoot something, and then laugh.
  • Do you at least remember what you were doing the day that they were passing out common sense?
  • I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.
  • I used to think {name}’s smile lit up the room, but now I know it’s just the glow of everyone else’s hopes and dreams being incinerated.
  • I don’t exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I’d drink it.
  • I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
  • Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
  • Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.
  • C1: I wouldn’t like to run into one of those on a dark night!
    C2: That’s not likely to happen.
    C1: Oh g-
    C2: They hunt in packs.
  • C1: Thank you Captain Obvious.
    C2: You’re welcome, Lieutenant Sarcasm.
  • All in all, I think the world needs less ethics and more fire.
  • This will end in suffering. Luckily, I still have some say in who will suffer.
  • Leaving already? I was just about to poison the tea.
  • Ever have a day where you want to set someone’s face on fire and put it out with a fork?
  • I may not know how to speak {language}, but I’m fairly sure whatever he’s saying can’t be repeated in polite conversation.
  • I kind of wish I was surprised about the horrible stuff I’m apparently capable of doing.
  • C1: You villain! What dastardly deeds are you planning? What horribly maleficent plots are you hatching within your insidious mind? Tell me, damn you!
    C2: Well…at the moment I’m making some cocoa.
  • You…you can’t do that! I was mid-gloat and everything!
  • C1: What does it take for you to be nice to people?
    C2: A lobotomy, maybe.
  • Mother always said good people did great things, and then I found out how to rule the world!
  • That’s it, we’re getting rid of the skylight.
  • What did you expect? Me sitting in my chair petting a white cat? Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m allergic.
  • I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but usually someone will call the police when they find some creepy guy in their apartment, chucking dirt around.
  • Cupid works for the devil.
  • C1: What do you expect to do? Waltz through the front door?
    C2: I was thinking more of a tango.
  • Well this will either end in hilarity or the tragic death of millions. Either way we’re getting on the news.
  • Hero: I will never submit to you!
    Villain: I knew that, but I figured I’d give you a chance anyway. I’m actually a pretty nice guy.
  • Because I’m fabulous. What other reason should I need?
  • All protagonists are the same; all ‘you killed my father’ and ‘you won’t get away with this’.
  • I read somewhere that mercy is the mark of a great man. It’s a shame that I’m an evil bastard.
  • You know, I had prepared a little speech for this… but you’d just use the time to escape. So I’ll kill you now and do the speech later.
  • Christopher Columbus was a rapist and murderer. George Washington was amazingly dishonest by the day’s standards and a slave owner. Some villains get killed, many get their own holidays.
  • Villain: I’d say you have three pages to save her… if our author uses a lot of description.
    Hero: Wait… what?
    Villain (quickly): Nothing. Never mind.
  • Hello, please come in. Welcome to my lair. Please, take a seat. Can I get you anything? Tea? Cake? No point in being brutally slain on an empty stomach, is there?
  • C1: Remember, ‘Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but rather that the other team is better than us.’
    C2: I don’t think that’s how the quote goes.
    (Actual: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. –Marianne Williamson)
  • C1: (to C3) Ignore him, he’s only being cruel to you to get a reaction.
    C2: I think you’ll find I’m being cruel for fun, any reaction is icing on the cake.
  • C1: That’s pure evil
    C2: I prefer the term ‘morally divergent’.
  • C1: You’ve gone mad with power!
    C2: Of course I’ve gone mad with power! Have you ever tried going mad without power? It’s boring, no one listens to you.
  • C1: Am I the only one who things this is a bad idea?
    C2: Nope. Just the only one who cares.
  • I wouldn’t worry your pretty little head about it. You’re not going to have it much longer.
  • Are you sure I’m the crazy one? The voices in my head are telling me otherwise.
  • Any part of you that touches me you’re not getting back.
  • C1: I am your judge, executioner, jury, executioner, jailer, and, if necessary, your executioner.
    C2: Uh, you said ‘executioner’ three times.
    C1: I like that part of the job.
  • Evil is all based on perspective. To you, I am the enemy and you are the glorious hero. To me, I am the handsome, wonderful, fabulously amazing hero, and you are the villain seeking my destruction.
  • Consider yourself lucky; I would paint these halls with your blood if I wasn’t worried about the colour clashing with my draperies. (So I shall strangle you instead)
  • If you expect me to say ‘my pretty’ then you’re sorely mistaken. I don’t even find you all that attractive.
  • You think I’m crazy? I’m not the one wearing my underwear over some tights.
  • C1: Ah, C2, good to see you. How was your breakfast this morning?
    C2: I wouldn’t know, but my taster informed me that the cyanide really brought out the flavour in the sausages.
    C1: I’ll have to give you the recipe.
  • C1: You think you can single handedly take down the entire government, using literally only one hand? No. I don’t think so.
    C2: Why do I even need one hand? It’s practically falling apart on its own.
  • I don’t think he was ever on the rocker. In fact, I think he burnt it on sight and danced around the ashes.
  • I’d warn you that [dangerous thing] will only lead to misery and misfortune, but hey! Who am I to come between you and your penchant for self-destruction?
  • C1: You’re like the weather.
    C2: What, changeable, dramatic, and unpredictable?
    C1: Grey, disappointing, and not what I was told I’d be getting.
  • He was attractive…but not entirely socially functional.
  • When you dance it looks like a drowning octopus (An octopus lives in water, how would it drown? /Exactly)
  • Well, well, well, aren’t we an artsy fuck today?
  • Do I need to draw you a map so that you can get to the point?
  • I’m sick, and not in the ‘that’s sick, brah’ or ‘I have sick thoughts and tendencies’ way. I’m actually physically, puke-in-the sink, ill.
  • If you treat every day like Valentine’s Day, someone is going to file a restraining order.
  • I could eat Alpha-getti and shit a better argument than that.
  • Today I spent most of my time in bed, debating whether or not that last pop tart was worth getting up for. What makes you think I qualify as an adult?
  • Sorry, was that important? You’re going to have to repeat it. I was pretending to listen so that you would eventually stop talking, but you seem to be expecting some kind of response now and I didn’t anticipate that.
  • C1: In times of hardship I remember the town where I grew up.
    C2: Does it inspire you to persevere so you can save your home?
    C1: No. I hated that backwards shit hole. And I just think that if I fail, I may have to go back there one day.
  • C1: Ah, abusing your power again, I see.
    C2: I’m not abusing it; I’m just reminding everyone I have it.
  • C1: I think you’re just misunderstood.
    C2: I’m frequently misunderstood. For example, about a minute ago I said ‘fuck off’ and for some reason you heard ‘why don’t you give me your opinion?’
  • C1: Would you take a bullet for me?
    C2: As in, take a bullet, put it in a gun, and then shoot you with it? Sure, if that’s what you want.
  • V: A villain will always protect the hero from things like that.
    H: Only so you can take us down afterwards.
    V: Well of course… it’s only fun if I’m the one killing you.
  • Nerd? I prefer the term intellectual bad-ass.
  • I don’t hate you; it’s just that some days you annoy me more than others.
  • Hate is a strong word. If we’re going to go that far I might as well just tell you how I picture your humiliating and yet hilarious death in all my best dreams.
  • I don’t have time for romance. I’m too busy being on the top of all the most wanted lists.
  • I’m sorry, I can’t give dating advice unless you want to know how to get spaghetti dumped down your shirt.
  • Yeah, I kidnapped her, but it was only once, so don’t ask me why she’s mad.
  • Do unto others before they get a chance to do unto you.
  • I’d get a front row seat in hell if that were true.
  • You learn something new every day; except that’s the kind of thing you were supposed to learn in the second grade.
  • C1: Are you okay?
    C2 I’m fine.
    C1: If you don’t want to talk about it with me, fine. But you’re obviously upset.
    C2: I’m perfectly fine. Contrary to what you may believe, I can’t be bursting full of unicorns and sugarplums all the time.
  • I did not cheat. I just interpreted the rules differently than you.
  • The difference between your mind and your heart is that your mind tells you what’s smart, and your heart tells you what you’re going to do anyway.
  • I swear if you don’t shut up I am going to kill you… Slowly. Painfully. And with dental floss.
  • Was it something I said? Or was it the way I said it?
  • You seem to have one foot in the grave already. Can I help you with the other?
  • Last I checked, I was the one with the very sharp weapon. When did you become in charge of the questions?
  • C1: You’re an idiot.
    C2: What?
    C1: You’re an idiot.
    C2: Yeah, you said that. Twice. Does that mean I’m a double idiot? An idiot squared?
    C1: Uh… Not what I meant.
    C2: Did you mean the opposite? A negative idiot squared?
    C1: What does that even mean?
    C2: Don’t ask me – I’m the idiot, remember?
    C1: A negative times a negative is a positive… So you’re positively an idiot!
    C2: That conversation did not end where I expected it to.
  • I touch myself whenever I think about you. More specifically, I rub my temples because I get a headache.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • You know that whole walking-away-in-slow-motion thing that heroes do in movies when something is exploding? I tried that today. Really wish I hadn’t. Really, really wish I hadn’t.
  • Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He’s under a blanket.”
  • As a young child my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out the police call this “Identity Theft”
  • C1: Sir, we’re surrounded!
    C2: Excellent. We can attack in any direction.
  • Darling, I don’t swear like a sailor. I fuckin’ enunciate them like a perfect lady/gentleman.

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