Every November thousands of people gather (albeit mostly over the internet) to participate in the National Novel Writing Month (or NaNoWriMo). I’m a huge fan of NaNo and one of my favourite forms of procrastination is to check out the Adoption threads. Specifically, I like the Villain Catch Phrases. So here are some of my favourites. Maybe they’ll spark an idea for a villain, or a even a full story!
So adopt away!
- You might want to close your eyes for this…
- I tried being good once. Most boring thirty seconds of my life.
- I never ate anybody that didn’t deserve it.
- You’re being ridiculous, you know. Without me, no one can see you. Only in darkness can light be found, as light is lost in light. I complete you. You need me. If you kill me now, there will be riot, mayhem, panic, and agony…whereas, if I kill you, there will be one more dead body in the room. Now tell me, hero. Do you really want to do this?
- You should relax. The knife goes in so much easier.
- We ruled the world once, you know. Before religion, before society and civilization. We killers, we rapists and monsters. Before humanity forgot that it was an animal, we were the kings that sat on those primal thrones. We were Fenris and Jormungandr. The Grendel and the Grey Man, the Big Bad Wolf. We’re the reason you never forgot to fear the dark.
- I’d tell you that this isn’t personal, but we both know I’d by lying. This is very personal, and I will enjoy what I’m about to do immensely.
- (Hero) You monster! You burned them all -all those men, women and children…
(Villain) Correction sir/madam, I did not burn everything… some of it melted.
- You expect me to kill you? After your misguided heroism vouchsafed my success? If not for this force field I could kiss you! (pause) But yes, I am going to kill you.
- All the work I put into running this kingdom, and all I get in return is whining and complaining. It’s always ‘Ooh, you burned down my house!’ and ‘Why did you kill my entire family?’ This job is rather stressful for me too, you know!
- (in response to ‘you’re insane’) Yes, but I’m on medication for that. You can be reassured by the knowledge that I am fully competent, and therefore won’t be making any stupid mistakes like letting you escape.
- Really? That’s all you could come up with? I would have figured you’d be a bit more creative than that. But I guess I overestimated your intelligence.
- RUN! RUUUUUN! I CAN’T CHASE YOU IF YOU DON’T RUN!
- Really, is that the best you can do? I mean, not even offering me biscuits or anything?
- You call yourself a vampire? Stop using a straw! What are you, in training?
- We all have our hobbies. Grandma knits; the hobo sleeping outside the liquor store collects cans. I… blow stuff up.
- I don’t really give a damn what you think about me. Do you think I’m doing this for your approval? Are you really that arrogant?
- I believe there’s a reason that you’re an orphan.
- You’re a hero, you wouldn’t understand.
- I’m not just going to leave you there to die slowly. I don’t like littering.
- In hindsight, perhaps leaving a long trail of clues about my plan was not the best strategy.
- Of course I know I’ll never get away with it, but I figure I still have about 200 pages before you spoil my fun.
- Greetings. I am (villain’s name). And all those who prefer a less syllable intensive workout may refer to me merely as ‘Sir’.
- Could I come up with an explanation that would satisfy you? And furthermore, why would I?
- I don’t really like the term evil. I prefer…ethically unfettered.
- For the last time, I am not a sociopath. I am a highly capable member of society and blaming all my hard work on some sort of psychological instability cheapens all the horrors I have performed to get this far. I am evil because I choose to be and I have worked incredibly hard to be so. I refuse to have my efforts cheapened in an attempt to make my actions fit into your narrow, moralistic worldview.
- Would you like some sponge cake with your afternoon tea? And by afternoon tea, I mean death. Which I will be serving shortly. And I was lying about the sponge cake.
- (Hero) Please! You don’t have to do this!
(Villain) Of course I don’t. But I’m going to do it anyway, and that, my boy, is what makes it wonderful.
- (Hero) Just tell me, why did you do it?
(Villain) Can’t you tell? I’m in love with you. I always have been.
(Hero) B-but… you can’t be! That doesn’t make any sense!
(Villain, laughing) No, but you should have seen your face…
- (Hero) I’ll never join you!
(Villain, bursts out laughing) Did you seriously think I wanted you to join me? Oh you’re far too gullible! (to henchman) He thought I wanted him to join me! This is better than the time I had that farm boy convinced I was his father!
- You have a choice. I could call the ninjas like any other villain would do, or we could maybe… jazz it up a little? I have a cyborg Napoleon in the back if you’re interested.
- (Hero) You let him/her go!
(Villain, drops person of building/cliff/bridge/etc.) You know if you haven’t learned not to say things like that by this point, then I don’t think you deserve to be the star of the book.
- You want my autograph? Ah, no, you want to kill me. (sigh) It’s so hard to tell the difference between my fans and my foes.
- You shouldn’t try to redeem me. You should thank me. Without a man in a black hat to face off against, people like you would still be living in their mother’s basement, wishing their life had some purpose.
- There are several different kinds of villains. Some believe what they are doing is truly right. Some are evil to compensate for something. And me? I was bored.
- Aw, you colour coordinated your cape and tights! Your mommy must be so proud.
- When one is in my position, they either conquer the world or learn the piano. And I am rather tone deaf.
- Haven’t you noticed? Villains almost always have the witty lines while heroes are forced to sound like noble numbskulls.
- Just so you know, I don’t have anything against you. But I sure would love to know what your problem with me is.
- I could kill you and make it look like a suicide, but where’s the fun in that? If I’m going to kill you I want the credit. So try and look shocked when the knife goes in.
- (Holding the dead body of one of the hero’s allies by the neck) I broke her. Do you still want her back, or should I just buy you a new one?
- (Bang!) Tell me who sent you! (silence) Oh right…it’s ask questions then shoot, not shoot then ask questions. Oh well, let’s see what he has in his pockets.
- Mercy is for the weak… or the inebriated.
- Come to play? No? Well I have.
- It’s not that I can’t love, it’s that I don’t care. You see the problems that could arise.
- Steal is a strong word. I prefer… permanently borrowed.
- What doesn’t kill me had better run for its stupid life.
- A hero is something that the deli sells for $6. A villain would never be that cheap.
- If you had stopped talking about how you were going to stop me and actually done it, you might have actually succeeded. Then again, I suppose the same could be said for me.
- Minions are like lemmings; the more you throw at a suicide mission, the happier the rest are to go over that same cliff.
- You know, technically, after all of my minions that you’ve killed, you have more blood on your hands than I do. They don’t have life insurance policies, you know. The insurance company wouldn’t cover them because of this exact thing right here.
- Kill everyone except the women. They can’t lament if they’re dead.
- You’re too pretty to die. Let’s ugly you up first.